Bittersweet December

It has been almost two months since mom passed away and we have not yet coped up well with the great lose.. Slowly though, we see flicker of light from a distance.. Hope and bliss are indeed real to those who keep their faith steadfast.. I’ve just done watching the video of my mom’s funeral before I’ve decided to write this entry, and I am pretty sure, wherever she is right now, she’s happy that many people love her, paid her respect and mourned her passing..

Honestly,our family is humbled to have witnessed the funeral rites done with attendees doubled that of my grandfather’s funeral in 2001.. Our family has drawn strenght from the people who unselfishly came, condoled, offered words of sympathy and prayers, sent flowers and mass cards, helped us in their own small ways during the time we are in deep sorrow.. It has been almost two months but mom’s happy memories will forever live in our hearts..

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In 14 days, I will be turning 30.. BIG 3-0, so they say; and this will be my first birthday without mom.. When I was a kid, she would always booked the 4th day of December to be a fulltime chef.. Basically, she prepares everything from small party details to the food she serves to all the guests.. The best part perhaps is the time where we would go shopping for a set or two of newclothes and my all-time “childhood” best shoe brand, “Mighty Kid”.. Yes, I was a big fan of those fancy kid shoes with the bling-bling lights flashing like Christmas bulbs.. Yes, I have banged my head accidentaly in three occassions at the mall while trying on those shoes.. And those three times I’ve had a “show-fitting-accident”, it was always mom that was with me.. She would laugh while people are around and I would get the big shit as soon as we get home for being clumsy.. That’s how she rules..

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When I’ve decided to move away from our small town to the big city, she would alwys come to visit before Christmas or even before my birthday, eventhough she knew that in few days time, I’ll be on the plane finding my way home for the holidays.. Even from a distance, she would cook and prepare some food for the family and some invited guests to celebrate my birthday at home.. Then she would phone me in the middle of the day happily telling tales of what she cooked, who she invited and how my “no-show” party went through.. I’ll for sure miss how thoughtful she was to pause for a day and keep herself busy throwing a party for a son who isfar away from home..

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In 20 days, I will be back home for a holiday after 16 long hours of air travel.. It will be unusual for me to come out of the airport not seeing her eagerly waiting for my arrival.. For the last five years, her smile would always be the first to welcome me at the airport whenever I go home for a visit.. With her trademark sunglasses and a handfan, no doubt my mom has her own style of telling other people, “move out of my way”.. We would both board in my dad’s truck and engaged in a 30-minute ride from the city to my hometown, exchanging news and tales.. Even if I want to just take a nap, passing out on her while she has the floor could be insulting and there is no room for error when she speaks..

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In 34 days, I will be off to my grandfather’(my mom’s dad) house for the annual family Christmas dinner.. It will be the first time that we won’t see mom exchanging laughters and stories with her siblings and other family members.. It will also be the first time no one will play “Mrs. Santa Claus”.. Yes, my mom has a generous soul that makes everyone shed tears of joy.. For years, she has been toching lives in her own secret ways.. I’m pretty sure that when the kids will gonna ask, “Where is Mrs. Santa Claus?”, I would probably end up dead silent trying to explain that “Mrs. Claus is now an Angel”..

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It will be 35 days before Christmas and the usual happy family picture we had for the past 29 Christmases will turn into a silent stash of mournful souls.. It will be the first Christmas without mom.. It will be my first Christmas at home since I left in 2008.. It will be our first Christmas without my sister because she has to stay in Canada for work.. It will be the first Christmas that a well-wrapped gift that’s supposed to be for my mom will be changed into a well-arranged flowers and a silent prayer offered in her grave.. It will be a bittersweet homecoming for her first-born..

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36 more days and it is supposed to be my mom’s 53rd birthday.. Unfortunately, she did not get to live enough to see my turn throw out a big party for her.. But instead of mourning, this day will change our family lives forever.. Instead of throwing out a party dedicated to her memories, we will host a Blood Letting Project named after her instead.. With the help of the Philippine National Red Cross – Laoag City Chapter, we will be spearheading a blood donation campaign that will directly benefit the people of Pasuquin, as a way of giving back the love they have shown to mom and to the whole family during the times we are in dire need of medical help.. There’s no better way to thank than to pay everyone’s selfless love back..

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In few weeks, everything and everyone will be in festive mode for the Holidays and other festivities.. For whatever’s worth that God has finally decided to take mom out from the happy family picture, I would still be grateful for the life that she has given to mom and for the life that mom has given me.. 52 years is 52 years.. She might have been gone forever but her physical death was rewarded with greater joy of being born eternally..

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I’ll see you all on 26 December 2011.. Make a difference.. Donate blood.. Or come and volunteer..